The Old Year

This is a post dedicated to times past, to another year come and gone, and to things that shall never be again.

...I don't particularly know of any such things, beyond my own personal experiences.

I can say that the "New Year's Eve" bash was quite satisfactory, and I want to thank all that goaded me into attending the festivities.

I believe that I have no resolutions, at least not in the traditional sense. I have goals, but I make those up as I go along, not just on New Year's. I suppose I could resolve not to die this year, like I did last year. That one turned out alright.

I'm all for regression and introspection, and looking back on this year, I think I can honestly say it was pretty good. For starters, the partying was way better (Around this time last year, we simply went to bed around 10:30. No one bothered with the new year, and no one cared to see the old one pass). I graduated, and got a 4.0 from my first semester of graduate school, although both are from an institution that no one has ever heard of. The website has stayed up, which is really much more than I ever expected. I read and learned a lot, picked up a couple vices, expanded my hobbies, met some wonderful folks, and wasted plenty of time in self-doubt. All in all, a year worth bidding adieu to. Solely from a personal perspective, of course. Globally, a lot of hard shit happened, shit that I would never hope to happen again. Can anything be helped? 2006, you have some tough times ahead of you.

So, here's to you, 2005. We hardly knew ye. Now, begone from this specious present, and let us live our lives free from your memory. Long live 2006.

Surprised by Joy

Whenever I read a book, I find myself underlining or marking with asterisks in the margins passages that I really like. Since I almost always forget most everything that was in the book, I like to mark the book up so that I can flip through it later and get "the important parts" without rereading the whole thing . . .

When it's a book that doesn't belong to me, I have to copy certain passages out verbatim. Which is what I did for "Surprised by Joy", and since I already typed them out once I figured I'd share them with you. These are the passages I found significant (to me), and if you want to use them as an excuse not to read the book (which, while good, certainly wasn't Lewis's best), that's fine with me.

"We are taught in the Prayer Book to 'give thanks to God for His great glory', as if we owed Him more thanks for being what He neccessarily is than for any particular benefit He confers upon us; and so indeed we do and to know God is to know this." (My emphasis.)

"The truest and most horrible claim made for modern transport is that it 'annihilates space'. It does. It annihilates one of the most glorious gifts we have been given. It is a vile inflation which lowers the value of distance, so that a modern boy travels a hundred miles with less sense of liberation and pilgrimage and adventure than his grandfather got from traveling ten." (I agree with this completely, and it's one of the reasons I want to buy a scooter.)

"I think it is well, even now, sometimes to say to ourselves, 'God is such that if His power could vanish and His other attributes remain, so that the supreme right were forever robbed of the supreme might, we should still owe Him precisely the same kind of degree of allegiance as we now do.' On the other hand, while it is true to say that God's own nature is the real sanction of His commands, yet to understand this must, in the end, lead us to the conclusion that union with that Nature is bliss and separation from it is horror. Thus Heaven and Hell come in."

" . . . one of the first results of my Theistic conversion was a marked decrease in the fussy attentiveness which I had so long paid to the progress of my own opinions and the states of my own mind . . . Self-examination did of course continue. But it was at stated intervals, and for a practical purpose; a duty, a discipline, an uncomfortable thing, no longer a hobby or a habit." (I have to keep this last one in mind often.)

iVows

Here in Indy, on a lonely Christmas Eve, I find myself struggling with boredom, as the prophet Ross had foreseen. Now is as good a time as any to relate the decisions that I've made recently, to whom it may concern...

I’ve taken a vow of chastity.

Now, it’s not what you think. Well, it is but it’s only temporary. For six months, I will not pursue a romantic relationship. Yet romantics are only a part of it. I’ve decided to cut any sort of emotional ties that I’ve had, and that have been borne out of selfish desire, in an attempt to get my perspective straight. I’ve always treated relationships (or friendships, for that matter) out of necessity, meaning that I was using people that I met in order to fulfill a personal need, whether that be social, emotional, whatever.

I personally believe that is a wrong mindset. My relationships are gifts. More often than not, I take people close to me for granted, and part of this vow is some small attempt to fix that.

This is also a journey to understand myself a bit better. The past few months have been pretty crazy, socially speaking, and I’ve found myself in unique situations, and acting in ways that I’ve never acted before. I need to get back to my roots, to understand who I am, in order that I can better serve the friends that I do have. Forget competing in “conversation wars” to look the coolest. Forget feeling sorry for myself because someone didn’t look my way. Forget constantly thinking of ways that I can become accepted by people who already do. Enough of that. I need to think about them.

Also, I’m trying to read the Bible more. I’m getting about as much out of it as I usually do, which isn’t much at all. But I’ll give God the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I’m going to try and be more observant and take a passive role in social gatherings. That’s what I like to do, anyways, and I think that’s how I can best serve others.

Practically, this vow has already shown itself in serveral way. I've taken down all photos that I have an emotional attachment to, which is about 99% of them. I have a helluva lot more time to spend doing stuff, although I'm not quite sure what. And I can already tell that I'm beginning to enjoy myself around friends a little more.

All of this is motivated by the concept that God will fulfill all needs. Everything, relationships, social contructs, money, self-worth, any need that is apparently present in my life, I've cut from any sort of human attempts to fulfill them, and probably a little more. We'll see hot it turns out.

There are other things that go along with this, but that’s more personal than I care to be on the World Wide Web.

It’s going to be an interesting six months. This, on top of the job, is probably going to take up a good portion of my time. I’ll keep y’all posted.

Renovations

It was high time for an update around here, so I did.

You'll notice some new links to the left. They are all of the highest quality. I recommend you check them out.

Also, new material on the left, namely the "Surviving Hump Day" addition to our ever-growing themed selection.

New reads, new music...'tis the season.

On the Job Front

I met with the chaplain at Riverside Hospital earlier this week. Real nice lady. Gets straight to the point. I like that.

We talked mostly about what my expectations for such a job were, how it might affect my emotional state, etc. There were points in the conversation that seemed very confrontational, almost as if she were saying, “This job is not for the ‘theological.’ We deal with death on a daily basis, and you need to be okay with that.”

Funny thing is, that’s exciting to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m probably the least prepared person to deal with death on this level, day in and day out. I’m quite sure it would wreck havoc on my mental state, at least initially.

I have my own ideologies surrounding Death and Life, and I’m sure I would need to throw those out the window. I’m also sure that, if I were to take this job, I would need some sort of emotional release, whether that is a person or a hobby; I would just need something to vent at the end of the day. Hey, perhaps a website!

In any case, the employment process is going well. I now have to write a short autobiography and a list of “10 Goals I Wish to Accomplish as a Hospital Chaplain.” I’ll keep you posted.

Support the Second Amendment!!!

I did a first for me yesterday (actually, two firsts). One of them was that I bought a gun for the first time. While I have a shotgun already, it was given to me for Christmas. I have never bought a gun myself before. So last night I bought a Henry lever action .22 magnum rifle from Walmart. In buying at Walmart, I saved a significant amount of money over the Bass Pro Shops where I priced the same gun. I should have it in a week (I hope). I had to purchase it through Walmart's layaway program, which brings us to my second first.

I have never dealt with anything from layaway before, and don't recommend doing so ever if possible. The poor souls who work there were horribly undermanned given the holiday rush and I had to wait a half hour in line before I found out I have to pay for most of the gun now, but not receive it for a week. Talk about frustrating-paying for something and not receiving it. It's like wiping before you poop, it just doesn't make sense.

Anyhow, the gun's on the way, and I'm pretty excited. It should be a lot of fun to plink around with and it kind of has an old west look to it with the lever action. As always, I'll keep you posted.

A Modest Suggestion

All this talk of holiday well-wishing has got me thinking. There really is some credence to the critique of “Merry Christmas!” and I suppose I can see someone getting offended by such a statement. But why stop at “Happy Holidays?” I can imagine an atheist who recognizes none the holidays becoming angry, or just your regular Ebenezer Scrooge chagrin at the statement. That why I believe the government policies haven’t gone far enough.

Instead of the common final conversation phrases that litter the season, I believe that all public officials should end with a question, “What religion are you?” That way, we can then pander our farewells to their personal beliefs. If they say Christian, then we have no legal obligation when saying, “Merry Christmas!” If Jewish, then “Happy Hanukkah” and so forth. This helps the situation overall, because now statements become more personalized, giving others an increased sense of self-worth, and then they will want to spend more, furthering the capitalist cause.

Also, if someone is atheist, or they simply don’t name a religion, then we can give the generic “Enjoy Americanism, and the freedoms that you share!” or “Support our troops/president!” or “Celebrate whatever the hell you believe.”

And there’s the added benefit of the government discovering all those closet Muslim-extremists. Just give every salesperson a census sheet, and we could soon have every follower of Mohammed registered, along with their purchase history or credit card numbers. That would make it easier to tap their personal phone lines.

See! Everybody wins under this system!

Semi Semi Annual Post Seasonal Weekly Per Month Update

Greetings, all.

As was so eloquently observed by my counterpart and partner in crime, Steve Case, it's been far too long since we've had a post here at the The Cult. I have no excuses, yet I have every reason for my absence. Work, reading, writing, blah, blah, blah...

In any case, Merry Christmas. That’s right, I said it. On the web, no less. That has “lawsuit” written all over it.

The end of the semester has come to pass. I turned in my last paper last evening, and now I can catch up on casual reading for the rest of Winter break. I must say, I enjoy graduate work significantly more than other kinds. It’s very satisfying. For our final in Ethics last evening, we simply had a roundtable discussion about Hauerwas and patriotism. Postmodernity came into the mix. Heidegger’s Da Sein got everywhere. The cheese fondue was exquisite.

The only issue now is my retention. If you were to ask me to explain Gustafson’s theological motivation to his Ethics, I would mumble and muck about for a few moments, say something that I think would satisfy your question, realize I was completely wrong, throw my arms up in disgust and scream, “He’s dead anyway! What does it matter?”

Regardless, it’s past now, and I learned a lot. Or so I hope.

Last evening, the housemates had a gift exchange, along with our 5th and 6th roommates, the loverly Miller sisters. I am now the proud owner of my own poker set, a new tripod, $25 to do with as I please, and a beautiful painting. All in all, I raked in the goods.

That is all for now. I plan on posting about vows, relationships, and grad schools in the coming days. Again, it’s the holidays, so a dip in traffic is to be expected, along with seasonal depression. Does one cause the other? We may never know.

[UPDATE: I was just at Barnes and Noble, and the nice sales lady concluded our transaction with a mumbled, "Merry Christmas!" Me, being the jerk that I am, acted like I didn't hear her clearly and asked, "I'm sorry?"

She then responded with a clear, loud and resolute, "Happy Holidays!"

Life is funny.]

Away Messages

I used to have a lot of fun composing away messages that I found very humorous. They were mostly in the style of Jack Handy's "Deep Thoughts", and I had them all compiled on a website on Olivet's server. I never use AIM anymore, but I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

What if, instead of a university president, we had a High Lord? And what if, instead of going to classes, we pillaged and terrorized the surrounding countryside? What then?

It is possible sarcasm and apathy are simply defense mechanisms, but it's more possible that I don't care.

If the rain today were bullets, we'd all be dead. That is, unless umbrellas were high-impact, ballistic shields of some sort.

On the way back home to Michigan, I spotted a dead kangaroo on the side of the road. As the car got closer, it turned out to be just a deer. What a stupid, boring trip.

Today the world is my oyster, but this morning my classes are an angry badger that bites my face.

I hope all my unfaults more than outweigh my faults.

Some people are afraid of failure, but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that I'll fail while somehow catching myself on fire and getting dropped into acid.

At first I thought the drifting, burnt-out derelict was interesting, in a melancholy "space-opera" sort of way, but then I realized that it was my planet.

My very favorites were the ones that were actual quotes from my friends at school. Here are some of the best:

James Cross: "I'd much rather be a woman than a human."

Also James Cross: "If a girl ever tells you she loves you, the best thing to do is slap her on the butt and say, ‘Good game’."

Richard Burns, on the definition of lust: "Uh, it's like, you know, holding hands and walking through the forest and stuff."

Robb Schuneman: "I call it 'No-Pants Wonderday' but it turns out the police just call it 'Thursday.' Go figure."

Eric S, on Rich's downloaded music: "Your computer's probably going to explode, it's got so much evil in it."

Laura Meyer: "I think the secret to finding real happiness is to wholeheartedly pursue real sadness, and once you find it, destroy it."

Jeremy Tkaczyk: "I hate this coke I'm drinking. I hate it so much I'm going to drink all of it-- just to teach it a lesson."

Troy: "Nothing good came out of the 80s."
Me: "Uh, we did."
Jason: "Yeah, but we weren't mainstream then."

Jeremy: "Eric, you'll never be an Amish ninja clone!"
Steve: "Probably because you're not Amish."
Mike: "Or a clone." (Pause) "But it's not too late!"

This Time of Year

It's always this time of the year that I find myself the most stressed. There are all these finals, all these readings, and so very little time to do them. And, of course, I can only blame myself; the mere existence of this work is a testament to my procrastination. It’s no one’s fault but my own, yet I search desperately to make something else the scapegoat. It never works.

It's always this time of year that I am the most disappointed in myself. My work becomes shoddy, I begin to skim instead of read, and my papers get filled with quotes instead of meaningful content. I know the work I'm doing isn't "A" worthy, especially because of my motivation, yet I still think that I know the system of the class well enough now that I could pull off an unearned grade, if I really tried at that. So, I do try at that, and I usually get that unearned grade. After being a teacher for a semester, I think I understand why. Teachers get just as tired from grading this time of year as we get tired of writing the papers. It's so confusing.

It's always this time of year that I find myself the most discombobulated and fragmented. One thing can only maintain my attention for so long, and then I begin to worry another assignment, another job, another person, so nothing ever gets done. Normally this happens for about three to five days, and then I just give up on the whole endeavor, and have a pipe smoke in defiance at the world. A sad form of rebellion, I know, and it's often miscommunicated. Besides, the world could seem to care less.

It's at this time of the year that I'm most introspective. My personal thoughts always degrade into worry before long, and I become paralyzed as to what I should do until I come to the conclusion that I should go to sleep. Yet my reflections rarely have an effect on what I actually do, and I continue to do them. Maybe it's part of my life long quest to know absolutely everything about myself, for then, and only then, would I have absolute control over my body, my emotions, my spirit. See, it all falls back to selfish control, something which I can never quite seem to get beyond. I make a terrible Christian. I'm far too existential. I should have never gone into theology. I need to just quit school, find a 9-5 job, and live alone for the rest of my life. It's around this point that I usually decide, "Ah, we'll see what tomorrow brings" and I go to bed. Unfortunately, its 12:32 on a Sunday afternoon, and I slept through church again. I make a terrible Christian.

It's this time of year that I become the most fearful of my future. What if I go to the wrong graduate school? What if this hospital chaplaincy thing doesn't work out? What if my religion degree turns out to be a complete waste of time and money? Can I really move away from all my friends? ...That's a big one. I consider my relationships to be the most important thing to me in life, yet when deciding the big stuff, it rarely comes up as a motivating factor. Take the present example: I'm currently looking at grad school in Pasadena, Chicago, and Kansas City. All of my friends are here, in Kankakee. Why am I leaving them? For a better education? For better opportunities? For more money later on in life? What's keeping me from staying? I'm terrified at the prospect, because these folks mean a whole lot to me. I can't imagine, or rather, I don't want to imagine what life would be like without them, without seeing them each day, without talking to them about work, or school, or church. But for some reason that God only knows, life isn't like that. People come and go. And everyone, everyone has to go through that. I hate that it has to be this way.

For these reasons, it’s this time of year that I feel the most lonely. But that’s ridiculous, because so does everyone else.

Yet, it's always this time of year that turn out to be my favorite time of year. I have no idea why.

A New Government

A man was killed today for saying he had a bomb on a plane. No bomb has been found yet.

I'm not scared...

Because of the lack of posting activity lately, I thought I'd take this time to tell everyone that it's cold outside, I like it that way, and I'm not scared.

The Exhaustive Guide to Beard Growing-A Synopsis

For all who are or will be sometime the future serious about growing a beard-let me caution you. This is not an activity for the timid, meek, those with a weak stomach or faint heart. It can and will change your life. Let’s begin the abridged version of an exhaustive look at the sport (that’s right) of beard growing.

We’ll start off by examining a recreational beard. These can be enjoyed by most anyone, and are typically seen sometime between Thanksgiving and Easter. Although a recreational beard can appear to blend into the background that is the face (more appropriately known as a canvas for beard-dom), it is actually the most important single feature of the face. Even at a recreational level, owners of beards will notice a significant difference in energy, testosterone, and libido. Common features are slow to moderate growth rates, low to moderate beard thickness, and baby soft facial hair. It is appropriate that a certain number of users stay at this entry level of beard growing and not advance. These people are commonly characterized as those with the horrid thin beard disease, those not having to shave but once a week to maintain acceptable hygiene, and those who can only grow one part of the beard with a moderate amount of success. An example of such a person is Brennan, our fearless leader. While we can all see that he grows a successful “soul patch,” I can assure you that any attempt on his part to grow side burns would be met with much ridicule and feigned sympathy. Some feel that people who can’t grow a whole beard shouldn’t even be allowed to participate in a recreational beard. I, however, take an uncharacteristically liberal approach. I say, “Let them have their recreational beards! If not for the beard (or fraction thereof), for the enthusiasm they display and the potential great beard that could have been (with the right genes)!”

The next level in beard-dom is that of the semi-professional. This is my domain, and I am proud to say that I rank near the top of this tier. These beards are characterized by average to above average facial hair roughness, a full beard, and having a 5 o’clock shadow by 2:30. It is common to find these beards extremely rough during the first three days of growth, so much so that a good rub on sensitive skin is enough to give even the strongest man a severe case of pink belly. My personal stats are above average to exceptional facial hair roughness, a 1:30 shadow, and a nearly full beard. I say nearly full because there are two thin spots at the corners of my mouth that almost fail to connect my mustache to my beard. However, this is made up for by exceptional facial hair boundaries. My lower boundary is just onto my neck and my upper boundary ends approximately 1 inch from my eyes. That’s a good feature in the semi-professional ranks. However, the two prominent thin spots (about half the size of a dime each) keep me from having the perfectly full beard that I desire. Because of the testosterone that the semi-professional beard gives, it is common to find people growing beards competitively. I did a bit of competing in my college days, always placing well. I am looking for a venue to compete now, but I find few people at work interested in competition. There are people out at the farm that would compete-it might be my only outlet.

The final category in our quest to comprehend beard-dom is the professional/lifer. Even if these people bothered to shave, it wouldn’t matter in an hour because no one could tell the difference. These people are so tough their beard has an abnormally large iron content. They drink motor oil for fun. When they tire of their beard, they simply pound it back into their face instead of shaving. They typically are of Eastern European descent (Russia, any Nordic or Slavic country), or any country that ends in “–stan” (Pakistan, Afghanistan, Turkmenistan, etc). Just as the Ethiopians and Kenyans seem to be designed for long distance running, these people are designed for beard growing. Think about it, what else is there to do in these countries? Such people are the stuff legends are made of. Notable celebrities with this gift are Paul Bunyan, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (I’m told he shaves twice before lunch and several times through the afternoon and evening just to keep in under control). Such people are spoken of in hushed and reverent tones among certain circles. It’s not difficult to find these people- most of them are truck drivers, cab drivers, bikers, or mercenaries.

Thus ends my exhaustive synopsis of beards and beard-dom at large. I don’t think anyone can truly know themselves until they’ve grown a beard (or attempted it). Come back to me with questions/concerns/comments. Until next time, enjoy my compilation of famous beard quotes below.

“Ask not what your beard can do for you. Ask what you can do for your beard.” JFK

“I love the smell of a beard in the morning.” Apocalypse Now

[UPDATE]

“A man without a beard is a man without protection.” LBJ

“A people free to choose will always choose beards.” Ronald Reagan

“All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain beardless.” Thomas Jefferson

“Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of a beard.” George S. Patton

Cool

Hottest...Grandma...Ever.

Random News

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so let's dive right in.

Courtesy of Boing Boing, there was an article published (which can't be accessed right now for some reason) that shows an atheist group in Texas exchanging religious literature for pornography.

So, are atheists saying that pornography is just as valuable as religious texts? That church teachings are equal to the objectification of women? And my next question would be what quality of pornography are they handing out? The classic Playboys for a Bible, and a adult-oriented DVD for a Koran? What are my options here? I see the message; they think that a belief in God is just as degrading to mankind as the porn industry. We Christians are only to blame for that. But still!

And I probably wouldn't have guessed Texas to be the first place to set up a booth. It's as good a place as any, I suppose...I find the woman smiling at the table particularly humorous.

Also, there's a French woman who now has a new face. That's right, folks. Face transplants are now a reality. We're only a stone throw away from synthetically creating faces and plastering them on. To be fair, this particular transplant was therapeutic, but why stop there? Everyone should look like Brad Pitt and Carmen Electra! Plastics helped the rest of the body, and with the mapping of the human genome, we can all be beautiful people! Thanks to science, even racism can be a thing of the past! Pretty soon, we may have a cure for not being white! Wouldn't that be a great world!


Man, I hate aestheticism...

Also, for the dorks out there, here's a teaser from Nintendo's head dude. Apparently, the new Revolution controller will be more than motion sensitive. I'm guessing that it will either:

A) Actually have a hefty weight, so that gamers will be working out while gaming
B) Detect neurotic impulses in your brain, and thus ACT on the screen while you think it
C) Be edible
D) All of the above

In any case, I'm still waiting for the PS3. Turns out the 360 is also having problems. Go figure.

[UPDATE: The atheist site is up.

"We find that morality should not be derived from these religious texts."

Also, a news story on it.

Fair enough. Free speech and all that.

But I still think the worst crime here wasn't the equating of religious texts to prn, but the complete endorsement of the objectification of women.]